Student vs. Teacher: Who Are We First?
In doing the reading for tomorrow's class (ch. 1 of First Semester by Restaino), I found the descriptions of the students in her study particularly interesting. I easily found myself trying to locate myself among them. I applied and accepted late--coming to grad school was a bit of last minute decision for me--so I didn't really know what to expect of the program or of my assistantship, and I didn't have this really clear cut idea of what my role was.
I found myself relating a bit to Shirley, as she described herself as a fiction writer and a student of her writing first--she was adamant on not letting teaching get in her way. As a creative writing student, my intention for coming into this program was to become a better writer, and to figure out what's next for me. While I was excited about the opportunity to gain some teaching experience and to see if it was something I would like, teaching has never been in my mind as my end goal.
Having finished one semester now, I've heard creative writing professors and students alike say that being a student is our first priority--teaching is second. And I agree, to an extent. There comes a time when we have to prioritize our workload, and we have to decide what's most important. I think many of us would say that our course of study is most important to us. It's why we're here. But at the same time, I wonder, if anyone, like me, feels a bit of guilt at any attempt to adopt that mindset. I'm in this program because my assistantship allows me to be. While those who accepted me knew I was not an experienced teacher, there's an expectation that I put a certain level of effort in to teach my class to the best of my ability. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't think my students deserved that of me, too. Even though taking ENG 103 and ENG 104 is not a choice for them, but a requirement, which means many of them may resent being there, I still feel it's up to me to give them a quality, and maybe even enjoyable, learning experience.
After being in the department a semester now, it's becoming clear that this is a longtime struggle--where do GAs find the balance? What support is offered to them in finding that balance? What roles do they play? What are they responsible for, first and foremost? It often feels that the only answers we get, indirectly, are, "All of it." All of the roles. We are responsible for everything. Finding balance is on us alone, if it even exists.
It's interesting to consider this issue, because we see that our students (especially in the first semester, while we're TAs) struggle to make sense of our roles. We're students? And teachers? Are we just like professors? What does that mean? And we're switching roles, back and forth, daily.
I don't want this to be pessimistic or defeatist, but I think these are important questions to ask ourselves, as individuals, and as a department. What are our expectations here? How do we define ourselves? I'd be interested to here what thoughts the rest of you have on this topic.
I found myself relating a bit to Shirley, as she described herself as a fiction writer and a student of her writing first--she was adamant on not letting teaching get in her way. As a creative writing student, my intention for coming into this program was to become a better writer, and to figure out what's next for me. While I was excited about the opportunity to gain some teaching experience and to see if it was something I would like, teaching has never been in my mind as my end goal.
Having finished one semester now, I've heard creative writing professors and students alike say that being a student is our first priority--teaching is second. And I agree, to an extent. There comes a time when we have to prioritize our workload, and we have to decide what's most important. I think many of us would say that our course of study is most important to us. It's why we're here. But at the same time, I wonder, if anyone, like me, feels a bit of guilt at any attempt to adopt that mindset. I'm in this program because my assistantship allows me to be. While those who accepted me knew I was not an experienced teacher, there's an expectation that I put a certain level of effort in to teach my class to the best of my ability. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't think my students deserved that of me, too. Even though taking ENG 103 and ENG 104 is not a choice for them, but a requirement, which means many of them may resent being there, I still feel it's up to me to give them a quality, and maybe even enjoyable, learning experience.
After being in the department a semester now, it's becoming clear that this is a longtime struggle--where do GAs find the balance? What support is offered to them in finding that balance? What roles do they play? What are they responsible for, first and foremost? It often feels that the only answers we get, indirectly, are, "All of it." All of the roles. We are responsible for everything. Finding balance is on us alone, if it even exists.
It's interesting to consider this issue, because we see that our students (especially in the first semester, while we're TAs) struggle to make sense of our roles. We're students? And teachers? Are we just like professors? What does that mean? And we're switching roles, back and forth, daily.
I don't want this to be pessimistic or defeatist, but I think these are important questions to ask ourselves, as individuals, and as a department. What are our expectations here? How do we define ourselves? I'd be interested to here what thoughts the rest of you have on this topic.
Shelbi,
ReplyDeleteI shared a similar experience when reading the first chapter of Restaino's book. I tried to find which of the graduate students she examined I resonated with the most in an effort to feel understood. I related to all of them in different ways, especially when they discussed the things they were struggling with. It's nice to know that the issues with Graduate Assistantship programs are not university specific; instead, it seems like most of the problems we are experiencing are felt by other graduate assistants as well.
I also question the balance between teaching and being a student. We are in such a unique role where we are both, so it's almost impossible to form a cohesive identity without feeling like we're being pulled in a thousand different directions. As a perfectionist, it's been really hard for me to let certain areas of my life slip while I try to balance the others. I hate that at some points, I have to sacrifice teaching in order to be a better student and vice versa. I dislike not being able to focus on being "good" at one thing at a time. I think this may be one of those periods of our lives that is constantly in flux, making it impossible to feel completely stable both when considering our career/education and identity. I've just kind of accepted that the next two years are going to be uncomfortable and challenging for me.
Shelbi,
ReplyDeleteI also wonder how graduate students manage the balance between student and teacher. After starting teaching this semester, I have felt that my students come first instead of my own classes, whereas last semester, I believed that I am a student first and instructor second. I think this has to do with Imposter Syndrome and not wanting my students to feel like they are being taught by an inexperienced, incapable goon. As the semester goes on, I plan to slip into a better time management plan to rectify this feeling.
Thanks for sharing,
McKenzie
Hi Shelbi,
ReplyDeleteI feel this. The reality is that we work a full-time job (one of the reasons I struggle with the “20 hours a week “ claim/pay). Literally the only way that I can survive in this program is to spread it out like a full time job and give myself specific hours of the day to work and to not work. I think that we suffer from a lot of work bleed; we always feel like we’re behind and because our schedules (in terms of our studies and planning) is a little more flexible, we are never truly on or off work, which leads to a lot of unrest when we should be “off”. It’s hard. It’s exhausting. The only way I know to combat this is putting myself on a rigid schedule (doesn’t work for everyone) and giving myself one full day a week (this semester it’s Wednesdays) where I don’t touch or think about work. Ultimately, I feel you.
I certainly resonated with your questions and thoughts about our duel role as both student and instructor. While I feel as you that my reason for being here is for my own education, I still feel the acute burden of doing right by my students. Recently, I feel like most of my time, effort, and energy is put into my identity and responsibility as a teacher and not as a student. The conundrum lies in the fact that we came here first and foremost to be students, yet, we have to be instructors in order to pay for that education. Yet to continue to be instructors, we have to be good instructors, which requires time and effort that takes away from the roles we play as students. It’s a catch 22.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I find comfort in the fact that we are never truly one person, one identity. Humans are intersectional beings––we have multiple identities and we switch back and forth from these as the need arises. We can be both students and teachers and spouses on down the line to eternity depending on whatever the situation calls for. We are adaptable and we will survive this.
Shelbi,
ReplyDeleteYour questions are really very understandable. But you know what we don't have the exact answers. This is how it's going on for years, I guess. We are fortunate enough that we haven't been thrown into the class directly after an orientation like others. That could have been more frightening and depressing.
Anyway, we have to find out our own ways to support ourselves. We have to find the strategies to balance our role as Teachers and students. It's hard, but we are required to do so to maintain our scholarship and earn our own desired degree . There's a very common saying, 'Time heals everything'. You know how much depressed I was during the first semester, but I got out of it. So, with time, we are going to learn how to combat these things too. Probably we are going to master on these things soon and acquire the role-playing balancing trick too. Learning about teaching is an ongoing process. We just need go on with it.
Good luck to all of us.
Shelbi,
ReplyDeleteI’ve been on the receiving end of the same advice, and I also have an uncomfortable feeling trying to accept it or put it in practice. For the students who aren’t in the major, 103 and 104 are probably the last and only writing classes they’ll be taking in their college education, and if I mess that up for them, is the responsibility on me? I also don’t know if teaching is something I want to do in the long run, so I don’t want it to pull all my time and effort away from my classes, but I don’t want my students to suffer for that either.
As many others have commented on, we’re in an uncomfortably tight situation. We’re grad students, expected to go to classes and keep up with all the reading and homework and assignments. And we’re teachers, expected to keep up with lesson planning and grading and supporting our students. (For those of us in the writing center, we’re tutors too, which is an additional identity.) And finally, we’re still actual human beings with lives and health considerations (do you know a single grad student with a good sleep schedule?) and obligations to family and friends – and I often feel like this is the area I take shortcuts in, when it’s arguably the most important one of all.
Are we starfish, that we can grow more arms to juggle all of our responsibilities? Or do we have to accept that within this two-year period, priorities will be set and sacrifices will be made – just which ones are up to us. I think it’s an assurance that we all seem to be struggling with the same questions, so even though it’s an uncomfortable situation, we’re not alone in it, and we can go to each other with dilemmas and situations.
-Jessie
Shelbi,
ReplyDeleteI agree that it's rough to find a balance - when are we students and when are we teachers? How can we be both at the same time and still be effective? It's a struggle, and I think all of us are trying to find a way to make it work.
I liked what one of the students mentioned in chapter one of the book: it seems like we are supposed to give 100% to both of these things, but we end up giving 50% to each one and doing a not so great job. Or, worse, we lean too far on one side and the other suffers. Being creative writers, I feel like it can be easy to let creative works fall to the wayside sometimes. However, i would argue that we need even more time than normal to really develop and work on our craft. Hopefully we can find healthy and effective ways to balance. If I find anything that works for me, I'll give you a head's up! -Kristen